Saturday, 21 March 2009
A series of water related metaphors..
"These are the best days of your life."
Sometimes I actually feel like I should crumble to ethos of the all-knowing masses and have that line tattooed on my forehead as I have it directed at me about a million times a day by some well meaning elder or patronising peer.
Okay so I'm the first to admit I have a tendency to drink from life’s half empty cup and quite successfully manage to frustrate both myself and everyone around me on a daily basis with my unfalteringly negative outlook on life. I mean it’s actually become a running joke among friends..BUT surely being realistic is a good thing, right? I'm just keeping it real. Yep. I'm just keeping my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds. Or at least that's what I try convincing myself. Yet deep down, underneath the jokes and barrage of ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ I secretly can't help longing to quench the stifling thirst of pessimism and allow myself to dive head first into the turbulent but exciting waters of optimism. It's a world I used to belong to, way back in the day when I was a bundle of ambition and gusto; back when I fully bought into the sentiment that the world was my oyster. Nowadays,I'm more likely to equate oysters with sea sickness and food poisoning. Whatever happened me??
If indeed these are the best days of my life why do I find it so difficult to see past the stress induced hives, endless essays, Walkers sponsored dinners and serious lack of funds? Why am I so unable to commit myself to embracing happiness and appreciating the bubble protecting me from a 9-5 job?? I often retrace my steps; wading my way through the minds memory depositry in a bid to place exactly where along the way I managed to lose the easy going, unpredictable, motivated, go-getting, happy-go-lucky teenager who seemingly failed to navigate her way past 19. There are so many answers to this question and each one keeps me weighed down in a heavy anchor of insecurity and helps fuel my innate fear of drowning. However, what I think I’ve realised in the past week or so is that things are never really that bad as long as you avoid diving into shallow water and always wear arm bands. It’s okay to dream big and take risks when you have learned to both accept and believe that there are people who care about you and who are there to help you stay afloat. I think the key to feeling satisfied with where you are in life is having the ability to trust your own instincts and decisions and by surrounding yourself with people who are worth taking that leap of faith for and investing trust in. For me, that’s the hardest thing to do. The phrase ‘Once bitten, twice shy’ kind of sums up my whole trust complex. I’m so afraid of being hurt and let down that I find myself reluctant to let people in on my thoughts and would rather hurt myself first so I can control the pain. It’s really messed up, but thankfully I've rediscovered how fortunate I am..because I have someone in my life that I can have full confidence in to never abandon me or let me down. Someone I can trust in infallibly and without room for doubt. That person is God.
A friend gave me a book just over a week ago after I confided in her that I was struggling with ‘the whole God thing’ and was feeling suffocated by feelings of loneliness, insecurity and the inability to trust those I care about most. In ‘He loves me!’ Wayne Jacobsen explores and explains how God’s love for us knows no bounds and exists in all circumstances, spanning all time and distance. Through understanding how much God loves me and realising that I have the greatest support system in existence available in my life, I can know true freedom. Having confidence in his personal love for me can allow me to feel confident in my everyday living. I can rest my insecurities, fears and worries with him and trust him to guide me through them.
Its scary how Satan can play on your insecurities and use things and people in your life to aid him in chiseling away at your faith and instill a murky puddle of doubt and confusion in your mind. I had got to a point of feeling so low I had almost started to doubt God’s existence. I had got so far away from him that my life had begun to feel void of his presence and I was consumed by an emptiness. My friend told me a beautiful story about how God showed her he was listening by giving her a rainbow and I found myself aching for him to show me that he was still listening and watching over my life too. I had been praying for over a year that he would speak to my boyfriend but had became so frustrated when nothing had ever seemed to happen that I gave up all hope. After the story of the rainbow I decided to try again and three days later my boyfriend called me up after a night out and told me about how he had been approached by Christians who were witnessing late at night in the streets of Belfast and had talked to them for a while. How mental is that? Apparently the guy told my boyfriend that I’m his ‘rib’ (hehe) and that it’s God’s plan for us to be together... so hopefully if I keep praying, God will keep talking and my boyfriend will keep listening.
Anyway, the moral is..I am going to actively make an effort to be more optimistic, be happy and live life for God.
On a lighter note, here are some words of wisdom to remember and possibly borrow if you’re a dick and cant break up with someone properly. I've been threatening to publish this shizzle in a blog post for ages now so here's a taster. The following is an awesome and very relevant line from a break up email (yes EMAIL!) that an ex boyfriend (MANGINA) sent me. I totally want this inscribed as an epitaph on my gravestone ... quality!
"I think you’re a great girl and will achieve everything you wish and will make the most out of life cause you’ve good morals and are fun to be around"
Ha! In the words of Chandler Bing, “I am a strong, confident woman!”
Sarcasm anyone?? >.<
Sometimes I actually feel like I should crumble to ethos of the all-knowing masses and have that line tattooed on my forehead as I have it directed at me about a million times a day by some well meaning elder or patronising peer.
Okay so I'm the first to admit I have a tendency to drink from life’s half empty cup and quite successfully manage to frustrate both myself and everyone around me on a daily basis with my unfalteringly negative outlook on life. I mean it’s actually become a running joke among friends..BUT surely being realistic is a good thing, right? I'm just keeping it real. Yep. I'm just keeping my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds. Or at least that's what I try convincing myself. Yet deep down, underneath the jokes and barrage of ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ I secretly can't help longing to quench the stifling thirst of pessimism and allow myself to dive head first into the turbulent but exciting waters of optimism. It's a world I used to belong to, way back in the day when I was a bundle of ambition and gusto; back when I fully bought into the sentiment that the world was my oyster. Nowadays,I'm more likely to equate oysters with sea sickness and food poisoning. Whatever happened me??
If indeed these are the best days of my life why do I find it so difficult to see past the stress induced hives, endless essays, Walkers sponsored dinners and serious lack of funds? Why am I so unable to commit myself to embracing happiness and appreciating the bubble protecting me from a 9-5 job?? I often retrace my steps; wading my way through the minds memory depositry in a bid to place exactly where along the way I managed to lose the easy going, unpredictable, motivated, go-getting, happy-go-lucky teenager who seemingly failed to navigate her way past 19. There are so many answers to this question and each one keeps me weighed down in a heavy anchor of insecurity and helps fuel my innate fear of drowning. However, what I think I’ve realised in the past week or so is that things are never really that bad as long as you avoid diving into shallow water and always wear arm bands. It’s okay to dream big and take risks when you have learned to both accept and believe that there are people who care about you and who are there to help you stay afloat. I think the key to feeling satisfied with where you are in life is having the ability to trust your own instincts and decisions and by surrounding yourself with people who are worth taking that leap of faith for and investing trust in. For me, that’s the hardest thing to do. The phrase ‘Once bitten, twice shy’ kind of sums up my whole trust complex. I’m so afraid of being hurt and let down that I find myself reluctant to let people in on my thoughts and would rather hurt myself first so I can control the pain. It’s really messed up, but thankfully I've rediscovered how fortunate I am..because I have someone in my life that I can have full confidence in to never abandon me or let me down. Someone I can trust in infallibly and without room for doubt. That person is God.
A friend gave me a book just over a week ago after I confided in her that I was struggling with ‘the whole God thing’ and was feeling suffocated by feelings of loneliness, insecurity and the inability to trust those I care about most. In ‘He loves me!’ Wayne Jacobsen explores and explains how God’s love for us knows no bounds and exists in all circumstances, spanning all time and distance. Through understanding how much God loves me and realising that I have the greatest support system in existence available in my life, I can know true freedom. Having confidence in his personal love for me can allow me to feel confident in my everyday living. I can rest my insecurities, fears and worries with him and trust him to guide me through them.
Its scary how Satan can play on your insecurities and use things and people in your life to aid him in chiseling away at your faith and instill a murky puddle of doubt and confusion in your mind. I had got to a point of feeling so low I had almost started to doubt God’s existence. I had got so far away from him that my life had begun to feel void of his presence and I was consumed by an emptiness. My friend told me a beautiful story about how God showed her he was listening by giving her a rainbow and I found myself aching for him to show me that he was still listening and watching over my life too. I had been praying for over a year that he would speak to my boyfriend but had became so frustrated when nothing had ever seemed to happen that I gave up all hope. After the story of the rainbow I decided to try again and three days later my boyfriend called me up after a night out and told me about how he had been approached by Christians who were witnessing late at night in the streets of Belfast and had talked to them for a while. How mental is that? Apparently the guy told my boyfriend that I’m his ‘rib’ (hehe) and that it’s God’s plan for us to be together... so hopefully if I keep praying, God will keep talking and my boyfriend will keep listening.
Anyway, the moral is..I am going to actively make an effort to be more optimistic, be happy and live life for God.
On a lighter note, here are some words of wisdom to remember and possibly borrow if you’re a dick and cant break up with someone properly. I've been threatening to publish this shizzle in a blog post for ages now so here's a taster. The following is an awesome and very relevant line from a break up email (yes EMAIL!) that an ex boyfriend (MANGINA) sent me. I totally want this inscribed as an epitaph on my gravestone ... quality!
"I think you’re a great girl and will achieve everything you wish and will make the most out of life cause you’ve good morals and are fun to be around"
Ha! In the words of Chandler Bing, “I am a strong, confident woman!”
Sarcasm anyone?? >.<
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